Today I almost caused my patient to die. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. My patient is in the hospital for aspiration pneumonia (he swallowed his food wrong and it went down to his lungs causing an infection). He was on swallowing precautions to make sure that he doesn't aspirate anymore. I tried to follow all of the policies about this. I double checked the fluid to make sure it was thickened before he took a sip...I followed the other precautions as best as I could- I'm not a Speech therapist. But then he started to choke. He stiffened up and his face became a purpullish red. I ran out of the room and yelled "CAN I GET SOME HELP PLEASE!!!" I felt so helpless. Two nurses came running in. They had the pt cough and he was able to get the fluid out. My heart was racing. One of the nurses made a snide comment about me giving him fluid and not following the swallow precautions. I insisted I did. I stayed calm while I was in the patient's room. Once I left, I called my friend to come and meet me. She sat with me while I cried. 

It is still a blur and it's hard not to agonize over all of the details of what I did or didn't do that contributed to this person nearly choking to death. I thought I followed all the policies...or maybe I was too lax. Maybe I should have double checked everything. Maybe I should have read more closely. There are too many "maybe-s" I'm exhausted. 

I'm grateful that patient is alive. 

I think God was definitely there in that room with me. He gave me a clear enough head to call for help. I'm grateful to know that there is God who is greater than any mistake I could ever make and who can save anyone's life. 

I can't imagine how people who accidently kill another person go on. There are stories of nurses or doctors making horrible mistakes that cost someone their life. It isn't always a neglect of care...sometimes it' s just plain old human error.  Oh man. 

I'm good at what I do, but I don't know if I can cope with possibly making another mistake like that. Maybe I just won't give anyone else any more water. I think i'd better go back to school.